I'M MOSTLY FINE

Oh CoVid and Stay At Home. How strange you are. The feelings are all so roller coaster-y. We feel like we’re on vacation and then we feel like we’re on Walk the Prank (Disney TV Show). We feel like we’ve nailed the online learning schedule and then can’t find the freaking zoom password for the 3rd grade class meeting and we yell at our kid. We have 3 nights in a row of family game nights which are cozy and fun and then we accidentally have 2 nights in a row where we drink too much and eat too late to play any games. Oopsie. I know I’m not the only one.

I am mostly fine. Over all, it hasn’t been too much more, honestly, than a lifestyle inconvenience for our household. That’s not to say that I haven’t been watching the news or worried about my aging parents or ordering instacart and awkwardly avoiding neighbors who are my friends on my street. We’re doing all the right things and going along with our everyday lives. My job is intact - slammed actually - dealing with real estate contracts and heightened emotions on all sides of the table. I’m good at this and I don’t mind it - communication is a skill I can rock at. My husband is in between jobs at the moment, but that’s ok too as it was a planned break. He is rocking the tutor/facilitator/chef/cruise director/zookeeper role very well. What a gift having him here to keep us all on track and allowing us to still like one another enough to want to hang out and shoot hoops and snuggle for movie nights on our porch. This time is turning out ok…..we’re all going to be ok.

I’m mostly fine. I do have some sleepless moments thinking about those that lost jobs, jobs they need to feed their kids. Parents who are sick and can’t afford medication but have to take care of their family anyway so they suffer and push through, getting sicker. I have no idea if the stimulus support is even making it’s way to these families. That is out of my control other than my prayers so I eventually sleep after I pray and then I am mostly fine again.

Until last night. The bad news I knew was coming sometime came of a dear friend who has been fighting cancer for almost 2 years. Her force of nature was so strong she was literally willing away the disease. She did every treatment they suggested, followed protocol, tried non-traditional everything, ate the right foods, did all she could. The Stage 4 Breast Cancer too much for her body. Anyone else would have been gone a year ago. She held back the beast longer that I thought anyone could possibly do. She’s in hospice care now. With a very small number of immediate family. You see, no one can come. Read that again, no one can come. Family is grieving, she is getting closer to God, her grown child is holding her hand. No one else is coming. And once she passes, no one can come to mourn together or hold her or hug her one last time. Arrangements cannot be made for a service of celebration. (Be clear, no funeral for this one, only a celebration!) Loved ones cannot plan this celebration yet. Hearts will break, hard things will need to be done. This sucks, this is where the rubber meets the road for me in this whole ordeal. The social grieving that loved ones cannot participate in. It’s put on brutal, time expanding hold.

I am mostly fine, except for this and the idea and truth that are many other experiences just like this one. Loved ones are so dear and health is so fragile. For us, we are keeping our distance from everything and everyone so that the hold put on life in these hardest times can be lifted for those suffering the most. I believe in humanity and I know even in those darkest moments when the unthinkable happens and the “alone” kicks in that some good can and will come from it all. I’m glad I have that belief!Eventually someone will be able to come in person and give comfort to my friend’s family and when it does, perhaps it will have been worth the wait. The celebration will be joyful. That’s worth believing in I think. You’re mostly fine too, right?