This past Sunday was a tough one. No reason really, just a super melancholy day. I wasn’t even sure exactly what melancholy meant although I kept thinking that was the thing I was feeling. The definition is a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause. So, yeah I was definitely feeling that! I was semi productive - all laundry got caught up, I cleaned out the fridge, played Uno with the fam. Husband mowed the grass, we watched Live Stream church service from our beloved Myers Park Methodist, and the kids played. Everyone did their own thing which was fine. I was just tired the whole day - never got energized - over anything. I’ve always been admired for my optimism and I’ve also been told I’m too optimistic, naive perhaps. I never minded that last part, it can certainly be true. Just always thought the alternative to optimism wasn’t something I was interested in so I took the occasional naivety that came along with my positive attitude. Seems to be a bit harder to keep that optimism up, though, day after relentless groundhog day. I don’t think I’m being naive about our current reality.
The church service that we watched was all about hope. Hope in each other, hope in times where we can be together again, hope that our families stay healthy, hope in prayer. The definition of hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. Hearing that sermon and recognizing that the melancholy was happening to me that day I started wondering if I was hopefully tired or tired of hoping. Clearly our world has been hoping for things to change, a certain thing to happen. But when and what does that look like? It looks different for everyone. Some were hoping restaurants and hair salons would open and they are. Yet some were hoping their loved one would survive and some did and some didn’t. Some were hoping to keep their job and some did and some didn’t. Some were hoping to pay the next month’s rent and some did and some didn’t. I am not naive when it comes to knowing that there are a lot of folks in our community that are very much tired of hope. When I feel tired I remain hopefully so because my family is healthy and our bills are paid - what have I really got to feel hopeless about? Nothing.
The reality of what is happening to others is heavy and weighs on me. My current hope is that people recognize that their journey may not be someone’s else's journey. As we begin to socialize again it’s vital to understand that someone beside you in the grocery aisle may have just lost everything, they may only have enough money to buy the groceries for that week, they may be uncomfortable in their work environment but with no other options, they may be having trouble with their spouse, a child may be sick, perhaps they don’t believe this virus is even real. The differences will be extreme and even though I’m tired, yes, I am hopeful that people will be kind and patient and understanding as we enter new territory together. I’ll take my melancholy days for what they are and accept them. I’ll also wake up optimistic because I can’t help myself and I’ll remain hopeful even when tired.